The delay with the updates was mostly due to the fact my computer power cable broke, while waiting for my replacement to come in, the holidays took over… everything.  

So much has happened in a short amount of time.  I have a hard time living the life I’m living now-  A lukewarm marriage that fell apart almost as quickly as it flared up.  When Mister Hubster wanted to leave me 2 years ago, I wasn’t ready for life without him.  

But nothing has changed. When I’ve tried making written efforts to connect, or cheap outings to spend time together as a family, I was continuously rejected or ignored.  Unfortunately, I let this built up as rage within me. But I’m not interested in living in that darkness.  Ever again. I’m also not interested in staying in a stale relationship.  I can barely thank Mister Hubster without him taking it as some kind of demeaning comment.  I’m finding myself worrying about what he means when he compliments or thanks me, wondering if he’s meaning it to be mean as well. Then he’ll make a joke about my hair to our daughter in of me. Little mean pokes. No love whatsoever. 

A few nights ago I found a calm moment to tell hubster we better figure out what we want.  I can be as friendly needed.  Fair and friendly for the kids.  I’m simply not interested in continuing our relationship with the direction we’re headed.  We can play the blame game for the rest of our lives, but I don’t want to live like that. 

Unfortunately, there was a lot we both could have done earlier on.  I needed to feel security, away from the stress of my mother (who was our landlord when we were newlyweds) My father did his best to secure our rent in the form of a lease agreement in case something were to happen.  He died a month later. I was out my mind, in complete fear, depression and anxiety.  My Husband wanted the security of the townhouse we were living in and I wanted peace. His insecurities came before my needs.  I felt so helpless and unloved at such an early state of our marriage.  The cuddling and hand holding dramatically decreased  early on.  

But now, as I reflect, I see something in him that I didn’t notice back then-  He enjoys getting under people’s skin for the entertainment or maybe power her gets from getting such strong reactions.  He begins debates with people just to get them stirred up.  I didn’t know this about him at that time and took his actions (or lack of) extremely personally.  I assumed that because he brought up the deep conversations during our relationship that he was mature enough to bring them up in our marriage.  Instead, he backed away from me as much as possible, leaving me alone and lonely early on.  

I was mean.  I was angry.  I was deeply hurt. I cried almost every day.  I was too proud to show my tears and let my anger tear him apart. Confused. Lost. Unloved. For the most part, I’ve noticed a strong correlation to my moods and behaviors with unbalanced hormones as well as the unhealthy relationship.  I’ve only gotten out of my depressed rut recently- mostly since I continued going back to church.  The instability is gone, but the irritability comes and goes, mostly because I have no idea how to pick up the pieces after 5 years of being dysfunctional. 

This year I plan on seeing many changes, one big one will be focused more on how I live and how I love.  How I treat my body, my health, my spirit.  How I work, how I earn, how I invest.  How I learn.  I have a great feeling about 2012.  I’m much more at peace if Hubster and I don’t make it.  He wanted me to come home the other day to talk, instead we watched netflix for an hour or so at opposite sides of the living room. We instinctively avoid communication and intimacy. This marriage is exhausting and robbing me of joy.  So I no longer hold expectations, except disappointment.

1/5/12