I feel a jump in my step again.  Between my newly regular workouts and the new vegan diet, I feel like my body is clean and even though I still suffer from many sleepless nights, I feel like I have more energy- I no longer NEED coffee or 5 hour energy like I did just a couple months ago.  If I’m really tired, I’ll nap.  As much as my work at the facility we live in stresses me out, I am less irritable, finding moments to enjoy.  

My girls found out about my “bald spot” on the back of my head from trying to trim my own head.  They laughed so hard, it brought me to laugh too.  We ended up laughing with tears streaming down our faces.  This was all after watching Bridesmaids.  I’m a pretty critical when it comes to humor, but I love to laugh, and there were some noteworthy scenes in this movie, especially being married and having certain parts so easy to relate to.  I missed out on the ending though, so I will have to find time to finish it anther day. But we laughed, threw pillows at each other, played monkey in the middle while the girls kept throwing my hat at each other.  One of life’s priceless moments.

Activities like watching movies or playing games take me ten times longer now that the kids are needing more age-appropriate activities.  Hubsters’ idea of activities is throwing in their room with Netflix so he can either watch some comedy or play some video game, usually the latter.  I’m restricted from leaving our house once we’re on the clock, so I try to at least have the kids help prep dinner when it’s possible.  But I have to learn to accept the fact I can’t do everything, I can’t keep track of my emotional well-being and the emotional well-being of the teens we work with as well as the needs of our kids all at the same moment.  I have to rely on Hubster for whatever support he can provide.  He’s great at meal time and getting them to bed.  I’m more jealous that things at work have robbed me of my ability to get my own kids to bed, to read them bed time stories or, my favorite, make them up.  Holding my son’s hand while scratching the other son’s back as they slowly let their breaths carry them to sleep.  It’s not only magical because they are quiet :) ha ha, but it’s so wonderful holding them and praying over them during their last moments of consciousness. 

I’m working my butt off in these few following months to provide me moments like this for the future.  I’m tired of placing blame on Hubster for where we are.  For relying on support, emotionally and financially.  I’m in peace and plan to stay there.  The company I’m beginning to work with is receiving great acceptance from my friends and fam.   I’m looking forward to the possibilities my efforts will provide.

I spoke with a friend a few weeks ago about the mental state of my well being.  While I may have been in one of the darkest pits of my life a few short months ago, I have managed to let light to medium workouts (hoping to soon bring it up a notch) along with a drastic diet change to replace my need for anti-depressants.  Not that they are bad, but with it’s artificial and altered my state of peace.  Granted, I’m only talking about a month’s time.  But this is the longest time, in a long time, I’ve felt this close to my normal self.  I get teary eyed at hallmark commercials again, of course, I blame it on the weather or a loose eye-lash, but I’m FEELING things again.  I’m not angry.  I’m tired, but who isn’t when they do what I do.  Shoot, people without kids are drained doing what our job requires of us. I get to feel pretty good about myself when that comes to mind.  

If I ever become a school counselor (one of my many career options I can still obtain) I think I will always offer a good ol’ head shave to help put things in perspective.  It was the one thing that pushed me walk around with confidence, they one thing can got people to see me again.  It revealed the good and the bad in the friends I have.  It revealed to others the sexiness I carry, which reminded me that I still have it going’ on [even if Mister chooses not to see it].  I’ve crawled out of this rut merely by clinging on the good around me.  The friends that supported me, the strangers that smiled, the church that didn’t judge me.  

I’m letting the humor chalk up the crap around me to something of an ironic sitcom.  I’m a big I Love Lucy fan.  Big.  It’s one of my earliest childhood memories, a habit that never stopped.  I still hold marathons when I’m in need of a pick me up.  We may never have the spark like Lucy & Ricky when we were first together.   No, I’ve realized I’m in a Fred and Ethel Mertz kind of marriage, and even that makes me laugh.  

While its painful to go through the motions, I’ve been attempting to wait it out.  Various people have lately been encouraging me to do what I need to take care of myself.   If divorce is even an option, the sooner the better, for the kids’ sake.  Some of my friends have flat out told me they wouldn’t be able to live with their husband if they were told the things Hubster said to me.  Why continue putting myself through the emotional pain?  I’ve decided to do what I need done to get out from where we work.  If Hubster won’t move than I will.  Eventually, we will both have to decide what is best for us with out having to worry about the cost of living, but for now, we’re faced the realities of living in an expensive state and continue with the grind until something better comes along.  I recently decided to put an end to that doomed cycle.  And it feels great.