Fresh start.  A friendship that went distant in the one of the worst seasons of my life became renewed yesterday.  We apologized for each other’s actions.  The acknowledgement of pursuing my marriage with even a little hope was reassuring. I was so encouraged by the acceptance- something I feel I have not had enough of lately.

Today was a busy day.  Yesterday was Veterans Day as well as my first home party for this new business venture I’m pursuing.  We traveled up to LA, I relieved Hubster of child duties so he can relax and enjoy a nice dinner out- the way a veteran should.  I had a hard time unwinding- which means I had a hard time waking up.  I was a nervous wreck the beginning part of my day, and then I let up.  We were at Disneyland and I really wanted to enjoy my time with the fam.  After our attempt of draining the kids’ energy, we got back to our van.  A filthy, cluttered mess.  I grew anxious all over again.  After a bit of nagging on my part, Hubster and I had a conversation regarding our Cat. We never named him, and Cat became his official title around the house [thus, the capitalization].  Anyway, Mister conveyed what I felt was the justification of not being responsible for Cat’s litterbox because he no longer wants the Cat.  I grew angry, but also felt like I was stung.  I burst out with all sorts of problems I had with Mister no longer wanting this Cat.

When we first got Cat (a ferrel kitten we adopted), Hubster bought him food, a bed and a litter box.  Even after making the decision together that we should find a home for him- we both had a hard time letting him go.  We then decided, regardless if our friends are allergic, we were going to keep this Cat.  

All the warm fuzzy feelings for this Cat left once the realities of maintaining the Cat became a reality.  I couldn’t help but find a correlation in Hubster’s involvement with our marriage as his involvement with this Cat. 

• She’s cute I think I’ll marry her - It’s cute, I think we’ll keep him.
• This is too hard, I’m throwing in the towel, I want a divorce - This is too hard, I’m not taking care of him, let’s get rid of him
• Never mind, I don’t want a divorce, it’s too much work, but IF she wants one I won’t fight her on it - I won’t to get of the Cat, it’s too much work, but if she gets rid of him, I won’t fight her on it. 

I was hurt and angry and didn’t take the time to bite my tongue before I furthered the damage we already live in.

I’m such a screw up sometimes.  How on earth do you start over in a marriage when you’re the only one who wants to be in it?  I’m basically making a commitment to myself to hang in there- I’m the only one cheering us on. But because things are SO awekward for us, I’m crippled by confusion.  I’m clueless and afraid of further rejection.  So we live, we move on like strangers in the same house.  This is a very lonely battle.  And I’m tired.  

I realized after a long ride in the car that most of my fears have been attacked- since the moment I married my husband.  The fear of losing my dad.  The fear of not having emotional support from my husband during emotionally vulnerable times (pregnancy). The fear of not being loved. The fear of losing my mind.  The fear of loneliness.  All of my biggest fears regarding marriage have been met.  

Scary.  

How do I move on?  I think I have to have no fear. I think that some dark force had it’s eye on us the moment we became one.  As if we were some kind of target. The potential we both had as a couple was huge.  That potential literally got targeted by fear, and killed.  I’m not sure where we will be after we move on from the work we are currently doing.  I’m not sure if Hubster will ever desire me as a partner in his life instead of some rival.  But, I think I have to let go of the fears and be strong in God.