For the past week, I’ve a hard time processing my thoughts.  I’ve been in a mental funk.  Listening and playing the video [just once] of the judge abusing his daughter has really put into perspective how much trauma I went through in my childhood. If I had to choose between methodical ‘discipline’ and erratic rage, I would prefer the former. 

Last night, we prepped for an impromptu night of poker to celebrate a birthday amongst our friends.  I had the opportunity to bring to light issues that have prevented us from connecting with certain friends.  It was a moment of major relief.  To feel like people were listening to me.  I couldn’t help the tears.  Some were of relief.  Some were of pain.  

To hear a husband admit the hormonal changes of a pregnant wife were difficult, but to witness his commitment to her, his love for her, was beautiful and also particularly hard for me.  It was also hard for me to hear a great friend express the love they have for me, only because I wish words like this were coming from my husband.

I am blessed by the people around me, I was appreciative of the support and touched by the kindness I haven’t experienced in a long time, but crushed by the hopeless state of my existing marriage.  But I’m working on me.  I’m working on my spiritual and physical well-being again.  I’m feeling free(er) from the grief of losing my father.  I’m hoping to God for a miracle.  It’s truly the only thing left that can save our marriage at this point.  

So I live and move on and try to work on the weaknesses I have.  Hoping that one day, someday, Hubster will see past the fallible human self, but love the good and the bad that make me who I am.  I’m hurt- But only I can make the steps forward that are needed to heal from from the pains of resentment and anger.  

I sit back and reflect on a busy but wonderfully filled week of reconnecting with old friends, and working towards financial independence.  I’m living each day with a little more hope.  Growing in skills to cope and preparing myself for the next process of the healing journey.  I’m looking forward to some great opportunities, hoping I get a chance to connect with and share these victories with Hubster as a future support system one day.  For now, it’s pretty much me cheering me, along with friends that get a chance to woot me on when they get a chance.  I could enjoy it being a little better between Mister and me. :)