I met up with some friends tonight. Beautiful ladies that are truly supportive and a blessing to know. 

We chatted over our meal and enjoyed a comped dessert along with a lemon sorbet packed into a lemon peel.  We enjoyed maybe 4-5 hours of pure conversation.  I need more of this.  

When I arrived to my in-laws, Mister Hubster was seated in the dark.  He suggested I grab the kids from the other room and bring them to the pull out bed in the living room so I can sleep in the back room without all the kids. 

He suggested he had a little too much to drink and won’t be able to carry them for me.   My wishful thinking was hoping we could actually sleep in a bed without the kids. But that’s not something he’s thinking about.  Obviously.  He slips into the pull out bed and warns me he’s about to put headphones on, so don’t bother trying to talk with him….  

I’m sitting here in darkness.  Feeling slight rejection.  Wishing things were drastically different.  I don’t even have a blanket for myself.  I’m forced to crowd myself in a full size mattress with three toddlers if I want to sleep and be warm tonight.  

I have to hold on to the good from today to keep from hysterically crying myself to sleep. Why is this so hard?  Why do I concern myself with how Mister views me?  If he likes me or has any type of positive emotions towards me…. It bothers me.  I want so much more from a relationship.  I care too much about him to walk away without it hurting me.  But I truly believe he could care less about me than, say, the fate of drowning rats. I’m just that pointless to him.