It helps talking things out.  I may be upset, or more like disappointed in the people I look to for support, but I think it’s important to have people that are safe to vent to.  To say things you would never repeat to anyone else, but to help get it off your chest.  In my fantasy world, my husband is my ideal go-to person.  Someone I can vent, say my deepest darkest secret, reveal my true thoughts just so I can get it out of my system and be encouraged to be a better person to others around me.  

For the MOST part, Hubster can be that for me.  When things are at it’s worst, he’s my most critical judge and I’m his.   But I don’t want that.  I want to be the kind of wife that encourages him and builds him up, and, likewise for me.  Marriage should be a safe zone, a place to be completely transparent and accepting of flaws.  A place where grace thrives. 

I had the chance to vent my most honest thoughts to Hubster today, admitting that I’m on the fence in confronting someone.  His advice, shower them with righteousness - words from my secular boss who smokes weed [regularly] and does crack [occasionally].  But he’s right.  And I can let go of this slight rage because I got it out.  Lord knows I’ve ruined some potentially amazing relationships with people because I spoke about something I probably should have left alone (including my marriage).  

As fate would have it, I was spending the evening with the very person I was venting about, enjoying every moment and relieved to have previously [purposefully] let go of the tension.   Grace.  We don’t ‘deserve’ it, but its’ healing capacity works wonders.  

I went to a church down the road [well, a few miles away, but very close considering we live in the middle of an agricultural preserve]…. the people seem very connected.  Very appreciative.  The pastors seem very approachable  with their congregation, they have a nice choir I might actually join, two of my teens I help foster seemed to enjoy the place too.   At first, I didn’t want to go-  I wanted to go for myself and work on myself, without having to show vulnerability around my teenagers.  I was in a grouchy mood around Hubster and left feeling so horribly about myself.  I apologized via text- not the best move- but it seemed to work.  “buy me a coffee or something please” was his response to my apology.  I guess that’s a, “I forgive you if you bribe me.” 

Deal!  I picked him up a starbucks before heading back home, along with a stash of almond milk to keep me sane in between meals on my new vegan diet, which, by the way,  I cheat on [most days] by sneaking in small amounts of dairy treats (less than 5% of my diet) but it’s still cheating, so I feel I must disclose that I haven’t perfected my eating habits just yet. :)

ONe of the quotes the pastor had up was one of his own posted on twitter: @Joel_PhillipsGod’s still there. Aware of your circumstances. He’s still working on you. He’s busier in your life than you realize. Trust Him.

Sometimes, you just need to be at the right place at the right time to hear the right encouraging words with just the right amount of love behind them.  

I instantly looked up on his twitter account to star it for future reference…. then I came up on another tweet he made on the same day.  @Joel_Phillips Learn to appreciate the rhythms of grace even if it’s a different tune than you’ve heard before.

Here I am, on this grace kick and I’m floored by the things encouraging me.  

I was where I needed to be.  God does have a plan.  Today was a good day and i’m beginning to hold on to more hope than previously.

I laughed harder than I have in long time, enjoying my evening and having some quality conversation with Hubster.  I am still emotional. Embracing the healthy expressions and working through the negatives.  Feeling less like a victim.  Feeling less defeated.  Purpose is finally peeking its head out.  I still cry myself to sleep.  Still find myself crying on drives when I’m out alone.  Trying my best to find comfort in the blessings around me.