The tendancy to read too much into things comes very naturally to me.  

We have a man come to our house weekly to work with our teenage girls on understanding money and banking concepts.  He works with an organization that matches funds for foster youth that they save in their bank accounts.  Where was this place when I was a kid?

He had a moment and spoke with Hubster and I casually about how hard lessons or mistakes leave such an impression on us to never do that mistake again.  Hubster’s input was how some people don’t want to take responsibility for their actions and keep on like nothing happened. 

Over the years, I’ve spent countless moments feeling guilty for my wrongs…. long after apologies and sometimes, weeks after “screwing up”.  I let a bad mood ruin everything about an entire day and feel like I’m paying for it the rest of the month. The distance Hubster kept from me put me in a psychological dog house- I was too naive and full of pride to address the issue and seek a resolve.  Now, nearly five years later, I realize Mister still thinks about problems that occurred during our first month of marriage. 

I let the discouragement in my world get to me so much that I tainted the most special relationship I had.  I have to believe that there is hope.  That things can get better.  That God can turn this around for the best.

We later went on to talk with one of our girls on her choices in interacting with a certain boy on campus.  He lectured her with things like “actions speak louder than words”,  ”having a meaningful conversation doesn’t matter to single guys”.  Actions do speak louder, but screaming doesn’t get me anywhere either.  I seem to be put on mute more often than not.  I put myself there.  But I also gave my sense of identity to the man I loved.  I let his judgement create my worth.  I let his lack of forgiveness and grace supersede any confidence I once carried in myself. 

Now, nearly 5 years into our marriage, I’m finding I a light that can carry me out of my darkness.  And it doesn’t need to involve Mister.  It involves me finding my passion all over again, what drives me, what inspires me.  I’m thankful for the breath of fresh air- for the ability to still find my Hubster interesting and attractive (even though he barely acknowledges me), for the patience to ignore prior annoyances… there’s enough to be thankful for without dwelling on the injustice (that can swallow us up). Like, today, my daughter let me sleep in until 9:30 while Hubster took the boys to school.  I had a productive and full day. Could have enjoyed it with a few less calories, but I’m not complaining :)