I woke up to take the kids to school this morning.  We started our day mostly laughing, and beginning with the first attempt to go to school without diapers.  ”No more diapers!” My son exclaimed.  I enjoyed every moment of celebrating the morning with them. I haven’t been spending as much time with them lately because things at work are making me and Hubster be more cautious around students that might jeopardize our placement.  

The past few days I’ve been in a slight daze.  Work is quiet.  I keep to myself while Hubster isolates himself in our quarters to avoid undesirable contact with an unstable child we work with.  I cook less, or not at all.  Sometimes the girls get together and cook a meal, other times I figure out a tasty leftover dinner, or we order a pizza.  I load up on unnecessary carbs and suffer from sugar comas promptly before guzzling water down to feel slightly less guilty.  I’ll just walk more.  Yeah, right.

I’m reading to keep busy, unintentionally soaking up the tension of the homework deadlines of the students in our house.  I’m drained, and I’m barely moving.

I have stayed up late, just thinking, researching options. I need a change.  Not to be happy, but to be healthy.  The more I stay where I’m at, the more I’m kept from participating in activities that I enjoy (even just walking around with my kids).  I would have no problem if I were able to walk around freely and take candid shots of kids we work with.  But policies have changed and I’m inside, and emotionally sought after and drained. 

I peeked around the real estate market in the area and was quite motivated to save money.  If I had to work a time job I would, pick up extra shifts for overtime, whatever.  I realize Hubster finds a calling and does well where we are, but I would much rather have a quiet night with my kids without worrying about not giving 6 other girls attention.  I’ve always wanted to be a foster parent, and I would do better giving 1-2 kids attention rather than 6.  I’d do better volunteering.  I’m drained here and I can see the ones that will suffer the most is my kids, and that’s not fair to them.  

I can no longer put my kids to bed because of possible allegations students may/may not do towards Hubster.  It’s a legal nightmare and it’s been about a week- I already miss the quiet bedtime stories and hand-holding.  

Having a simple conversation is difficult for me, I’m always concerned with what ears are listening to us- who’s hiding behind the corner or pressing their ear against the paper thin walls?  No, working with Mr Hubster all day may not be the best thing for us.  Instead of being able to focus on what we’re discussing, I grow anxious, because of the variables floating around in my mind.  

I need simple.  

When I let the anxiety in my head cloud my thinking, I’m bitter and mad at Hubster for something I have the power to change on my own.  I find myself almost constantly having to remember to keep perspective.  This is challenging. I’m not interested in holding any more resentment than I need to.  I’m hurt, but I don’t need to continue to hurt him or wallow in more guilt myself.  

So I’ll save, have a nice cheap townhouse or condo to look to as my motivation to continue in the direction of my dreams and talents.  Have peace, enjoy quality time with family, improving on my skills…. I want to be the best me I can be, and there’s so little room to improve and challenge myself in my interests where I’m currently working…. To me, it makes sense to make a move towards something different.  Connect with other photographers, work part time using my skills and passions, live with the sense of accomplishment.  Surround myself with people who encourage me and inspire me. Breathe.