Two days off, two days spent at Disneyland.  Two days of pure enjoyment for no reason.  While we had a kid party to go on Saturday with some friends out of town, we decided to take off a day early and spend the day at Disneyland on the way up, with plans to go back the next day on our way back home.  

We met up with some friends, and enjoyed most of our time.  At least I did.  I couldn’t help but notice Hubster was bored.  He was ready to leave after a couple hours so he wouldn’t miss out on a friend’s birthday party he never told me about.  Without prior notice, it’s hard to get anywhere with three kids, except for my moms house- not really excited about spending my day off with three kids… and my mom.  With notice, I could have arranged a baby sitter and enjoy the time myself.  But he’s living for himself, and not really communicating with me.  I tried making treating him to some beer but it wasn’t much appreciated [by the way he seemed to act towards me].  I feel like Hubster and I are so disconnected, we can’t even seem to enjoy an agenda-free day at Disneyland.  He was so anxious to move on with a kid or two to spend time somewhere else without me.  I had to shrug it off and not take it personally, but it was hard.  One more attempt to go somewhere without me would have probably left me in tears.  But I focused on the kids and enjoyed our time to force myself to forget about the state of our marriage.

Having a hard pay period, for missing work from the days I was out for my surgery, I thought of asking my mom for some help with gas money; but after telling her why we were tight this week she discreetly went out of her way to talk with Mister.  I assumed she was giving him some money to help us out.  No.  She went to tell him that we had 10 days to pay the IRS for some tax return from one of the years she “helped” us out with our taxes.  Never again.  She’s screwed us so many times, with money owed and then retracting years later to more money owed…. she’s become the most worthless person to never help me when I’ve needed it most.  

After much disappointment, I learned to take time for the moment.  To enjoy most of what my kids do.  While I can pass for the head-butting into my pelvis, I can enjoy the journey my kids are on in learning/talking/potty-training… the cries, the laughter, the joy, the relationships being built between them and us.  Family can be a very special thing.  Even in our dysfunction, I can appreciate our health and our relative wealth [compared to the rest of the world].  I can celebrate the growth of my kids and the potentially less stressful outings in our near future.  I can look forward to amazing vacations we might be able to enjoy with friends or family with our timeshare we pay for each month [ugh].  I’m looking forward to the next time my child calls me mommy and the next smile they flash and the next hug they give and the next time they have a temper tantrum.  

There’s a lot of things I can feel guilty for, but I’m trying to get back to my care-free self, when I used to find humor in the most despicable of people.