January 2010
24 posts
December 2009
23 posts
Lost the laptop, just like that
Left my laptop on the train! Hoping it gets sent to lost and found. I am not on my game when I’m not rested :(.
All I can do is pray.
683 Days: Am text w my cousin
Cousin: Good morning! How are you feeling? Are you talking to God?
Me: I'm a rollercoaster. :( Slowly getting into devotionals- trying not to forget. Working makes it a lot harder to get time for myself.
Cousin: You dont have time for formality @ this time in your life, God knows that. Just talk to Him thru out the day.
Me: :-) true I don't know y I'm making excuses
Cousin: It's in our nature. We have to fight it.
686 Days
686 Days.
I slept in today. I needed to. The Mister Hubster didn’t work today so I figured he could pick up the slack. I fed the kids breakfast and started getting ready for my much anticipated hair appointment. My hair stylist was crazy busy, but she managed to pull off the cut I showed her. I was scared at first, facing Mister Hubster for the first time. He had no clue I wanted to...
687 Days: Focus on Me.
687 Days.
I started my morning with very distant exchanges between The Mister Hubster and myself. I can’t bring anything up without feeling or acting awkward. So I won’t. Instead I played with the kids got ready for my appointment scheduled for today. Could not wait to dish out everything, last night’s events were enough to fill a session let alone everything that happened...
688 Days: Emotionally drained, completely.
688 Days.
One day goes well (yesterday), and inevitably today is one of the worst. At least it ended that way. Our day started out wonderfully, a nice cozy breakfast at Panera bread and then off we went to go shopping with my Tia. I walked around with the baby and picked out gifts for the boys. Mister Hubster was somewhere, I don’t know where, but I didn’t let our lack of...
689 Days: Disapointment in church, again.
689 days.
I woke up to three sleeping babies in my bed this morning. They are so happy and in such great moods, until they realize the sensation known as hunger. I got ready for church as quick as I could and Mister Hubster arrived while I was finishing. He offered to help get the kids ready and I was ever so thankful for his offer. I took off for church, even though I was a good 30 minutes...
690 days: moving forward in hope
690 days
I struggled last night in putting the boys down for bed. I was drowsy and the Mister Hubster arrived home from work. I asked how it went, how the waffles he was planning on making turned out. “good”. I stayed in bed to feed the baby, thinking that since he was in such a rush to head to bed yesterday I might be able to see him a few minutes more today. Nope. He stayed...
I just sent him an email
Subject: stepping forward, i hope
From: Natalie
Date: December 19, 2009 7:21:45 PM PST
To: Mister Hubster
Mister Hubster- The only reason I type this is because I can’t seem to get more than a minute of time with you alone. Hoping we can at least have some positive interaction by writing if we don’t have the time or energy to talk. I am sorry things have gotten so out of...
691 Days: I'm Exhausted
691 days
It’s finally Friday. I get to work. Things are just about how I hate them. Mister Hubster arrived back from work and went straight in to the back bedroom after pouring himself a couple beers. Barely a hi. Okay.
I just played with the boys, took a quick a shower while playing them a movie and started my shift at 3:00pm after putting the boys down for a nap. Without the...
692 Days
692 days
What a day. Today was supposed to be the first day we interact, instead, I’ve been here for three more days to be odds with the Mister.
I woke up to Nick calling me from the drugstore, demanding I take a morning after pill after having unprotected ‘youknowwhat’ on Tuesday. Totally killing the moment and spontaneity of it all. He took the highlight of my week, maybe...
693 Days: Nevermind.
693 days
Things are back to square one, for some reason. It feels like we move one step forward and five back. I don’t know what to say or do how I should approach him. I feel like I’m living with a stranger that somehow knows all my deepest darkest secrets. But the stranger remains, decidedly distant.
Nick made dinner tonight using my skillet- I had to do transports for work and...
694 Days: A Hopeful Step Forward!
694 days.
I can’t believe how things can end up. I started my morning with a painful backache from the result of sleeping on the couch with two kids. When Nick woke me up, he made it clear that I needed to clear out the car. I can either take the kids to the park or clear out the car, my choice. Acutely firm.
“I’m not trying to be difficult, but my back is honestly in a...
695 days: Welcome home?
695 days.
First thing in the morning to wake me up from a relaxing state is Nick’s phone call. We are barely on speaking terms, so I figured I’d find out what he wants to talk about. Not only did he neglect to tell our bosses that I will return on Thursday, I was scheduled for work on Tuesday- tomorrow. I was told to leave that night, with kids around 8 so we can put them down. I...
3 tags
696 Days: Control
696 days.
I only have control over my intentions, not Nick. I can hope things improve. I can pray. Whatever involves Nick must be let go to trust. In the end the only weight I carry to his decision is to be true to myself, in whatever shape that may take. Broken. Lonely. Lost. Healthy. Loving. Giving. Hope.
My children have a lot to do with my will to live. I can choose to enjoy the big...
6 tags
697 Days: Imagination
697 Days.
It is taking every bit of me to not let my imagination go wild- or let my own mind grasp on fantasies of independence. No. I cannot try to take an easy way out- that doesn’t exist when you have children.
I have until the 17th to come back to secure my position at work with Nick, thus, securing our apartment. We will have our therapy session, where we will hopefully get the...
698 Days: 8 missed calls, 3 voicemails and a text
698 days.
I fell asleep waiting for the 11ish phone call.
I woke up at 4:37AM and noticed he was trying to reach me all night.
Half asleep I called him to talk. Not once did I hear I miss you, I love you I want to make this work. It’s all about coming back so we don’t lose our job- a job that requires us to be emotionally stable.
Our boss is trusting that we will continue to be...
To talk or not?
Nick: We need to talk tonight.
Will u be available?
Natalie: Let me know when
Nick: Like 1 am
Natalie: Well we'll see - just know there may be chance that I will be in bed- then again, the boys had a late nap.
Nick: How about 11ish
Natalie: That is sooo much better
2 tags
699 Days: Forgiveness vs Trust
699 days.
I should be able to focus on my marriage but instead I’m left to defend myself in a lengthy text conversation with my aunt about forgiving my mom and letting her help me. ”She wants to help you, give her a chance and forgive for the sake of you and your babies… do it for them”.
I can be burned by an open flame and be upset that it hurt me, but its not the...
6 tags
700 days: Separation
700 days.
What? No flowers? Today is my anniversary and I’m officially stating the word separation. What does that mean? I have three kids under the age of two, staying in my cousins’ family room until I sort my things together and I never thought I would find myself in this predicament.
So much has happened in less than a weeks time, and if my computer decided to function earlier...