February 2012
1 post
Vday & Sweetest Day.
Today is Valentines day. Not my most cherished holiday. I really only celebrated it once. Made a big scavenger hunt when I was a newlywed. Ever since, I’ve either been pregnant or nursing or just plain lonely. I’m one of those that think the typical gifts on the menu for the vday sweethearts should be given and received on a daily or weekly basis. Flowers, chocolates, dinner for...
January 2012
3 posts
A much needed talk.
Not sure what’s happening. The moment I’m ready to move on without Hubster, he comes home ready to actually talk. Out of nowhere.
I’m unable to trust him, expecting the worst treatment. He has no clue how much he hurt me. Probably never will.
He goes from touching base on expectations we have in raising our kids, to ending the conversation about his best friend/ex girlfriend I...
529 Days
I’m having trouble organizing my time this year to workouts. I haven’t worked out a day since the holidays, and while I did start eating healthier, I also backtracked significantly in the recent days. In the past, this may have a triggered a significant depressed reaction. I’m much more focused and tense all at the same time. I’m ready for a change and I’m unable...
548 Days
The delay with the updates was mostly due to the fact my computer power cable broke, while waiting for my replacement to come in, the holidays took over… everything.
So much has happened in a short amount of time. I have a hard time living the life I’m living now- A lukewarm marriage that fell apart almost as quickly as it flared up. When Mister Hubster wanted to leave me 2 years...
November 2011
16 posts
596 Days
I feel a jump in my step again. Between my newly regular workouts and the new vegan diet, I feel like my body is clean and even though I still suffer from many sleepless nights, I feel like I have more energy- I no longer NEED coffee or 5 hour energy like I did just a couple months ago. If I’m really tired, I’ll nap. As much as my work at the facility we live in stresses me out, I...
I recently joined an on line forum. One I regret to have joined because I can’t help but feel like I’m being spammed with useless information. I’m about to quit it much like I quit the fb thing. Reaching out to the community around, I think I may have made a new friend. I look forward to connecting with people who want to spend time with me.
Taking my time for people who choose...
598 Days- Reflections towards healing
I’ve been much more accepting of my circumstances. I have a peace about my future that I haven’t had in a long time. I’m investing my time into a business that will provide a better opportunity for me and my family. I’ve been waiting for the emotional support from Hubster and not taking the steps to improve my situation on my own. It’s time for that to change.
I...
http://beautyinmistakes.tumblr.com/post/12679498583... →
““Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the...
602 Days. Starting over.
Fresh start. A friendship that went distant in the one of the worst seasons of my life became renewed yesterday. We apologized for each other’s actions. The acknowledgement of pursuing my marriage with even a little hope was reassuring. I was so encouraged by the acceptance- something I feel I have not had enough of lately.
Today was a busy day. Yesterday was Veterans Day as well as my...
603 Days- Emotional Healing
For the past week, I’ve a hard time processing my thoughts. I’ve been in a mental funk. Listening and playing the video [just once] of the judge abusing his daughter has really put into perspective how much trauma I went through in my childhood. If I had to choose between methodical ‘discipline’ and erratic rage, I would prefer the former.
Last night, we prepped for an...
Just cool. I feel similarly. Most of my friends...
606 Days
I’ve been looking forward to today for a while. I met up with a dear friend- someone that lights up the world around me. We sat and ate at a cute little vegan friendly diner by the beach. I didn’t want to leave. I missed the joy-filled moments we shared and was in so much peace to share a little bit of our journey together.
I look forward to re-connecting with her further. For...
608 Days, Go away Mister Hubster.
Last night, after a weekend with our family, I decided to trim my hair on my own. I didn’t EXACTLY know what I was doing, but I knew I wanted it to look more like a style and less like a uniform thickness. I trimmed all the sides, the back, layered the top so when it is styled, my hair would be less thick and have a more natural reaction to products. I loved it, except for the little...
6 tags
610 Days, Ladies Night Italian Dinner
I met up with some friends tonight. Beautiful ladies that are truly supportive and a blessing to know.
We chatted over our meal and enjoyed a comped dessert along with a lemon sorbet packed into a lemon peel. We enjoyed maybe 4-5 hours of pure conversation. I need more of this.
When I arrived to my in-laws, Mister Hubster was seated in the dark. He suggested I grab the kids from the other...
611 Days-
Watching people around me poison their world with bitterness and jealousy. I’m actually weirded out by the actions of many people around me. The best I can do is keep silent. I don’t want any part of me to look or sound like them. It’s immature.
Today I had the pleasure of sharing the beginning of my work day with a new social worker for our house. I am looking forward to...
3 tags
WatchHeard about this on the radio today. The audio clip alone reminded me of the trauma I experienced as a kid growing up at home under my mother. I can’t watch the video without bawling. Without the belt, just pure brunt rage, this was my very existence in my home on a regular basis- up until the age of 17. If I spilled milk…. yeah. Pretty crappy.
Living with fear under a person like that...
7 tags
614 Days- Show me the money :)
I woke up and got ready at what I like to call the butt-crack of dawn. The sun was nowhere near. I cuddled up with the boys on the couch before we were all ready to get up and get dressed for school. We had a good morning. I stopped at a nearby starbucks, devastated that the wifi would not connect me to the world wide web, I was forced to connect with people via phone and read an analog...
October 2011
37 posts
615 Days- Grace for life
It helps talking things out. I may be upset, or more like disappointed in the people I look to for support, but I think it’s important to have people that are safe to vent to. To say things you would never repeat to anyone else, but to help get it off your chest. In my fantasy world, my husband is my ideal go-to person. Someone I can vent, say my deepest darkest secret, reveal my true...
618 Days
Today I worked at 7am. I woke up at 6. I went to bed at 1 this morning. I am less than awake, but glad to have a job with the overtime this morning. Hubster came out to talk with me as I vented about my friend.
What I admire about him is that he doesn’t spend endless amount of energy on people that don’t deserve attention. The flip side, I don’t believe he spends much...
617 Days.
Homecoming. Today was a busy day for our campus. I wasn’t working on the clock, but I was pretty busy. We had a halloween door decorating contest and a homecoming game and a homecoming dance. I helped a bit with the pictures and ended my night taking a former student back home.
I was weirded out more than ever from some of my friends. Sour sports in competition, weird communication and...
5 tags
619 Days- Just fake it.
I’ve been in a better mood than most days. Took the kids to school, enjoyed a good vegan Starbucks breakfast: Oatmeal, fruits and nuts and a chai soy latte.
I shopped a little for me and for Hubster. Picked up some much needed sweaters and came home to share the wealth. ”THANK YOU!”
But the strangest thing. Everything I did just annoyed him. From leaving my bags on the...
12 tags
620 Days- Vegan?
One of my neighbors encouraged me to a watch a documentary “Forks Over Knives”. An interesting documentary covering the benefits of a whole foods, plant base diet.
As a vegetarian for half of my life, I understood the benefits of whole foods, super foods. But I was under the belief that if someone were to eat meat, that they should have organic. The hormones and fillers were...
621- sleep deprived
I’ve noticed my overall attitude and tolerance levels have been low again. Mostly because I’m not getting the sleep I feel I need. I’ve tried communicating with Hubster, but feel I get very little support, or understanding, little encouragement “Well, I don’t know what you can do” As he walks away.
Physically, there is VERY little I can do. I end work at...
5 tags
Am pleasantries
Woke up to Hubster getting ready for a day of training. We started talking about random things, exchanging in actual conversation. I have to say it was extremely pleasant. We just sat on the bed as the children all gathered near me in the blankets. The kids started waking up by the time Hubster and I were ready to wrap it up.
I’m pretty sure neither of us said goodbye (although he was sure...
8 tags
628 Days- Choosing hope over worthlessness
The tendancy to read too much into things comes very naturally to me.
We have a man come to our house weekly to work with our teenage girls on understanding money and banking concepts. He works with an organization that matches funds for foster youth that they save in their bank accounts. Where was this place when I was a kid?
He had a moment and spoke with Hubster and I casually about how...
629 Days
I woke up this morning with complete refreshment. I didn’t mean to fall asleep with the kids when I put them down for bed, but I woke up when they did and truly enjoyed everything about my morning. We fought imaginary dinosaurs and dragons in the living room abyss. Sought safety in the bathtub since dragons don’t like water- duh.
Got dressed and ready for a local church I liked a...
623 Days
I want to say Murphy’s Law took the wheel today, but I don’t want to give it or anyone else credit before God. I know that sounds cheesy, but as much as my plans went so completely wrong, I was very blessed with the time spent with family and with a good a friend at the end of the day.
I do believe I’m gaining strength in faith in seeing the growth of others during such...
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Laughter and thankfulness.
Took my quest for laughter seriously today. Loaded up www.damnyouautocorrect.com. Laughed for a while. Work texts were particularly entertaining. Will probably be setting that as my homepage.
Tumblr is also extremely therapeutic. I love the funny posts, the inspirational designs and photography and unique art. I’m thankful that there are people out there that remind us to take the...
10 tags
632 Days. Common Courtesy.
Yesterday I woke up the kids while sitting on the end of our bed. The bed totally fell on a weak spot. ”I told you not to sit there!” Hubster tells me. Not really, I know it broke in the past, but I’m not the one that originally broke it. Of course, I didn’t say anything but later I found myself laughing out loud at a scenario in my imagination:
We move into a new...
633 Days- dreams and talents.
I woke up to take the kids to school this morning. We started our day mostly laughing, and beginning with the first attempt to go to school without diapers. ”No more diapers!” My son exclaimed. I enjoyed every moment of celebrating the morning with them. I haven’t been spending as much time with them lately because things at work are making me and Hubster be more cautious...
6 tags
636 Days- Bad Dream, Bad Night.
An awful dream got me up while it was still dark and cold outside. I was at a professional football game with friends of ours, our pastors and “community”….. At some point, in the middle of the game, we are raided by a north korean guarilla-style army carrying various swords and machetes. At first, they began scalping people of Indian and Middle-Eastern decent. They gathered various...
637 Days- Disneyland twice.
Two days off, two days spent at Disneyland. Two days of pure enjoyment for no reason. While we had a kid party to go on Saturday with some friends out of town, we decided to take off a day early and spend the day at Disneyland on the way up, with plans to go back the next day on our way back home.
We met up with some friends, and enjoyed most of our time. At least I did. I couldn’t...
639 Days
Lots of dreaming these days. Today I woke up from a dream of being bit by a baby rattlesnake three times on my left leg. I could see the bites and how the first bite was more infected than the more recent bites. I also remember trying to prove I was in fact bitten. Like people around me didn’t believe me, and the bites were somehow fabricated. I was fighting to find someone that...
640 Days
Dreamt of a traffic jam on the freeway this morning. An Elephant and Rhinoceros were loose and traffic prevented people from being able to pass the other cars who were slowing down to pass the unusual situation. I stopped in the traffic in a small sedan and panicked. I’m 50 feet away from a scared and unpredictable pair of 4+ tons capable of crushing my skull in 50 places. SO I did what...