Not sure what’s happening. The moment I’m ready to move on without Hubster, he comes home ready to actually talk. Out of nowhere. I’m unable to trust him, expecting the worst treatment. He has no clue how much he hurt me. Probably never will. He goes from touching base on expectations we have in raising our kids, to ending the conversation about his best friend/ex girlfriend I forbid him to see, the one he confessed his love for when things got hairy between us, a year after seeking out another old flame. He’s feeling sentimental watching old episodes of wonder years and all I can imagine is him wanting to patch things up with his “winnie” before working things out with his own wife. He pretty much ended the conversation before our shift with “The ball is in your court” Gee. Thanks! I was honest in my feelings and expectations, I don’t have an issue with this woman I barely know, nor the woman he looked to rekindle something with. My issue lies with the lack of trust in him as my husband. I expect to be able to work things out for the sake of our kids, and if needed, to end the marriage as peaceably as possible so our kids feel no tension between us. I feel very strongly about raising our kids in a loveless marriage. Its not healthy, its not what I want for my children, who have such sweet personalities. They deserve to be loved and cared for tenderly by the love of their lives. What are we modeling? Nothing worth modeling, that’s for sure.

I’m having trouble organizing my time this year to workouts.  I haven’t worked out a day since the holidays, and while I did start eating healthier, I also backtracked significantly in the recent days.   In the past, this may have a triggered a significant depressed reaction.  I’m much more focused and tense all at the same time.  I’m ready for a change and I’m unable to do anything about it.  Except work.  It will pay off eventually. 

Positive minded people are standing by me more and more.  I’m encouraged by the different kinds of people I’m meeting and looking more to spending more time with them.  I quit facebook because of the mediocrity.  Yet, now I’m befriending more success minded people that display status updates that inspire me.  I’m surrounding myself with people I care about, and care about me.  While it’s refreshing to be looked at under a new light, even if it’s the right light, still places current people (like Mister Hubster) in an uncategorized area of my life. 

Mister is basically nothing more than a casual roommate.  He still looks at me as the sick person riddled with depression- except he makes him out to be the ultimate victim.  I’ve taken responsibility so many times but we’ve never actually engaged in a real conversation to confront the damage we BOTH have done.  We’re getting better at small talk- but our relationship started so quickly, we’re still in negative territory in “catching up” to our better side of the relationship.

As I’m working on my new goals, I’m finding I’m connecting better with other people, people that see me for who I am (or how I feel) and people that have known me at my best. I feel energized just talking to the right people in my life.  Faith plays a big role in the connections I’m making with people.  I can’t help but feel that I’m in the right place at the right time. That I’m headed in the right direction….that I have a support system in  place  I’ve never had and look forward to a more fulfilling journey. 

I’m not looking for easy. I’m looking for support and love.  I’m lucky to be around some great people.  Not sure if Mister Hubster will ever be one to love me ever again, but it doesn’t both me either way.  Of course, there are the little comments here and there that can bring disappointment, but for the most part it’s to be expected.  And that’s a life I’m not willing to hold on to.  My best hope in life is that my new support system will be infectious enough to the people I’m close to. 

A great lesson I’ve taken to heart recently:  You can’t say the wrong thing to the right person or the right thing to the wrong person. 

I’m not wasting more time. The sacrifices (from “fun”) I’m taking now will allow me the funds and opportunity to invest more time in my family and those close to me, as well as invest into what I have to offer.  I have big dreams and for the first time in a long time, finding people to stand beside and dream along with me.  Priceless.

I had a great feeling about this year early on… but yesterday was the Chinese New Year.  Happy Year of the Water Dragon!

Expect this to be a very energetic year, filled with optimism, power and entrepreneurship. However, the year is of water dragon, which means that even the most powerful will give a patient hearing to the weaker, and will try to see through their point of view. Better alliances and decision will take places.

To peace and entrepreneurship.  :)  Amen.  :)

The delay with the updates was mostly due to the fact my computer power cable broke, while waiting for my replacement to come in, the holidays took over… everything.  

So much has happened in a short amount of time.  I have a hard time living the life I’m living now-  A lukewarm marriage that fell apart almost as quickly as it flared up.  When Mister Hubster wanted to leave me 2 years ago, I wasn’t ready for life without him.  

But nothing has changed. When I’ve tried making written efforts to connect, or cheap outings to spend time together as a family, I was continuously rejected or ignored.  Unfortunately, I let this built up as rage within me. But I’m not interested in living in that darkness.  Ever again. I’m also not interested in staying in a stale relationship.  I can barely thank Mister Hubster without him taking it as some kind of demeaning comment.  I’m finding myself worrying about what he means when he compliments or thanks me, wondering if he’s meaning it to be mean as well. Then he’ll make a joke about my hair to our daughter in of me. Little mean pokes. No love whatsoever. 

A few nights ago I found a calm moment to tell hubster we better figure out what we want.  I can be as friendly needed.  Fair and friendly for the kids.  I’m simply not interested in continuing our relationship with the direction we’re headed.  We can play the blame game for the rest of our lives, but I don’t want to live like that. 

Unfortunately, there was a lot we both could have done earlier on.  I needed to feel security, away from the stress of my mother (who was our landlord when we were newlyweds) My father did his best to secure our rent in the form of a lease agreement in case something were to happen.  He died a month later. I was out my mind, in complete fear, depression and anxiety.  My Husband wanted the security of the townhouse we were living in and I wanted peace. His insecurities came before my needs.  I felt so helpless and unloved at such an early state of our marriage.  The cuddling and hand holding dramatically decreased  early on.  

But now, as I reflect, I see something in him that I didn’t notice back then-  He enjoys getting under people’s skin for the entertainment or maybe power her gets from getting such strong reactions.  He begins debates with people just to get them stirred up.  I didn’t know this about him at that time and took his actions (or lack of) extremely personally.  I assumed that because he brought up the deep conversations during our relationship that he was mature enough to bring them up in our marriage.  Instead, he backed away from me as much as possible, leaving me alone and lonely early on.  

I was mean.  I was angry.  I was deeply hurt. I cried almost every day.  I was too proud to show my tears and let my anger tear him apart. Confused. Lost. Unloved. For the most part, I’ve noticed a strong correlation to my moods and behaviors with unbalanced hormones as well as the unhealthy relationship.  I’ve only gotten out of my depressed rut recently- mostly since I continued going back to church.  The instability is gone, but the irritability comes and goes, mostly because I have no idea how to pick up the pieces after 5 years of being dysfunctional. 

This year I plan on seeing many changes, one big one will be focused more on how I live and how I love.  How I treat my body, my health, my spirit.  How I work, how I earn, how I invest.  How I learn.  I have a great feeling about 2012.  I’m much more at peace if Hubster and I don’t make it.  He wanted me to come home the other day to talk, instead we watched netflix for an hour or so at opposite sides of the living room. We instinctively avoid communication and intimacy. This marriage is exhausting and robbing me of joy.  So I no longer hold expectations, except disappointment.

1/5/12

badooney:

Oh my God yes please.

I’m not in the least hungarian (hungry).  But Oh MY. 

I feel a jump in my step again.  Between my newly regular workouts and the new vegan diet, I feel like my body is clean and even though I still suffer from many sleepless nights, I feel like I have more energy- I no longer NEED coffee or 5 hour energy like I did just a couple months ago.  If I’m really tired, I’ll nap.  As much as my work at the facility we live in stresses me out, I am less irritable, finding moments to enjoy.  

My girls found out about my “bald spot” on the back of my head from trying to trim my own head.  They laughed so hard, it brought me to laugh too.  We ended up laughing with tears streaming down our faces.  This was all after watching Bridesmaids.  I’m a pretty critical when it comes to humor, but I love to laugh, and there were some noteworthy scenes in this movie, especially being married and having certain parts so easy to relate to.  I missed out on the ending though, so I will have to find time to finish it anther day. But we laughed, threw pillows at each other, played monkey in the middle while the girls kept throwing my hat at each other.  One of life’s priceless moments.

Activities like watching movies or playing games take me ten times longer now that the kids are needing more age-appropriate activities.  Hubsters’ idea of activities is throwing in their room with Netflix so he can either watch some comedy or play some video game, usually the latter.  I’m restricted from leaving our house once we’re on the clock, so I try to at least have the kids help prep dinner when it’s possible.  But I have to learn to accept the fact I can’t do everything, I can’t keep track of my emotional well-being and the emotional well-being of the teens we work with as well as the needs of our kids all at the same moment.  I have to rely on Hubster for whatever support he can provide.  He’s great at meal time and getting them to bed.  I’m more jealous that things at work have robbed me of my ability to get my own kids to bed, to read them bed time stories or, my favorite, make them up.  Holding my son’s hand while scratching the other son’s back as they slowly let their breaths carry them to sleep.  It’s not only magical because they are quiet :) ha ha, but it’s so wonderful holding them and praying over them during their last moments of consciousness. 

I’m working my butt off in these few following months to provide me moments like this for the future.  I’m tired of placing blame on Hubster for where we are.  For relying on support, emotionally and financially.  I’m in peace and plan to stay there.  The company I’m beginning to work with is receiving great acceptance from my friends and fam.   I’m looking forward to the possibilities my efforts will provide.

I spoke with a friend a few weeks ago about the mental state of my well being.  While I may have been in one of the darkest pits of my life a few short months ago, I have managed to let light to medium workouts (hoping to soon bring it up a notch) along with a drastic diet change to replace my need for anti-depressants.  Not that they are bad, but with it’s artificial and altered my state of peace.  Granted, I’m only talking about a month’s time.  But this is the longest time, in a long time, I’ve felt this close to my normal self.  I get teary eyed at hallmark commercials again, of course, I blame it on the weather or a loose eye-lash, but I’m FEELING things again.  I’m not angry.  I’m tired, but who isn’t when they do what I do.  Shoot, people without kids are drained doing what our job requires of us. I get to feel pretty good about myself when that comes to mind.  

If I ever become a school counselor (one of my many career options I can still obtain) I think I will always offer a good ol’ head shave to help put things in perspective.  It was the one thing that pushed me walk around with confidence, they one thing can got people to see me again.  It revealed the good and the bad in the friends I have.  It revealed to others the sexiness I carry, which reminded me that I still have it going’ on [even if Mister chooses not to see it].  I’ve crawled out of this rut merely by clinging on the good around me.  The friends that supported me, the strangers that smiled, the church that didn’t judge me.  

I’m letting the humor chalk up the crap around me to something of an ironic sitcom.  I’m a big I Love Lucy fan.  Big.  It’s one of my earliest childhood memories, a habit that never stopped.  I still hold marathons when I’m in need of a pick me up.  We may never have the spark like Lucy & Ricky when we were first together.   No, I’ve realized I’m in a Fred and Ethel Mertz kind of marriage, and even that makes me laugh.  

While its painful to go through the motions, I’ve been attempting to wait it out.  Various people have lately been encouraging me to do what I need to take care of myself.   If divorce is even an option, the sooner the better, for the kids’ sake.  Some of my friends have flat out told me they wouldn’t be able to live with their husband if they were told the things Hubster said to me.  Why continue putting myself through the emotional pain?  I’ve decided to do what I need done to get out from where we work.  If Hubster won’t move than I will.  Eventually, we will both have to decide what is best for us with out having to worry about the cost of living, but for now, we’re faced the realities of living in an expensive state and continue with the grind until something better comes along.  I recently decided to put an end to that doomed cycle.  And it feels great.

I recently joined an on line forum. One I regret to have joined because I can’t help but feel like I’m being spammed with useless information. I’m about to quit it much like I quit the fb thing. Reaching out to the community around, I think I may have made a new friend. I look forward to connecting with people who want to spend time with me.

Taking my time for people who choose to show their support for me. It’s quite the journey, being in my shoes lately :)

goodnight.

I’ve been much more accepting of my circumstances.  I have a peace about my future that I haven’t had in a long time.  I’m investing my time into a business that will provide a better opportunity for me and my family.  I’ve been waiting for the emotional support from Hubster and not taking the steps to improve my situation on my own.  It’s time for that to change.

I have, for the first time in a long time, the confidence to get myself out of my own pit.  If things don’t improve between Hubster and I, I’ll be ok.  I can’t attempt to put in effort into a marriage when I’m the only one who seems to want it to improve.  I can’t make someone love me.  I doubt the love will miraculously re-appear. Resentment overpowers love in our relationship. This overwhelms me.  I have no partner.  No one who has my interest in mind.  

I am beginning to believe I will live in more peace if I wasn’t around Hubster.  Just looking at him reminds me of how unloved I am.  How worthless I am to him.  In the past, this crippled me. The sadness turned to resentment turned to anger turned to anxiety. But I’m willing to let my image of myself override what he thinks of me.  Take care of my needs so I can be a better mom.  If Hubster wants to work things out- I will consider it to be a miracle.  I will welcome it, but I will not let it determine my self worth.

Cardboard (by (KatieMadeline))

(via kari-shma)

““Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don’t blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being “in love”, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.””

— Louis de Berniéres Captain Corelli’s Mandolin

(via nplus1)

Fresh start.  A friendship that went distant in the one of the worst seasons of my life became renewed yesterday.  We apologized for each other’s actions.  The acknowledgement of pursuing my marriage with even a little hope was reassuring. I was so encouraged by the acceptance- something I feel I have not had enough of lately.

Today was a busy day.  Yesterday was Veterans Day as well as my first home party for this new business venture I’m pursuing.  We traveled up to LA, I relieved Hubster of child duties so he can relax and enjoy a nice dinner out- the way a veteran should.  I had a hard time unwinding- which means I had a hard time waking up.  I was a nervous wreck the beginning part of my day, and then I let up.  We were at Disneyland and I really wanted to enjoy my time with the fam.  After our attempt of draining the kids’ energy, we got back to our van.  A filthy, cluttered mess.  I grew anxious all over again.  After a bit of nagging on my part, Hubster and I had a conversation regarding our Cat. We never named him, and Cat became his official title around the house [thus, the capitalization].  Anyway, Mister conveyed what I felt was the justification of not being responsible for Cat’s litterbox because he no longer wants the Cat.  I grew angry, but also felt like I was stung.  I burst out with all sorts of problems I had with Mister no longer wanting this Cat.

When we first got Cat (a ferrel kitten we adopted), Hubster bought him food, a bed and a litter box.  Even after making the decision together that we should find a home for him- we both had a hard time letting him go.  We then decided, regardless if our friends are allergic, we were going to keep this Cat.  

All the warm fuzzy feelings for this Cat left once the realities of maintaining the Cat became a reality.  I couldn’t help but find a correlation in Hubster’s involvement with our marriage as his involvement with this Cat. 

• She’s cute I think I’ll marry her - It’s cute, I think we’ll keep him.
• This is too hard, I’m throwing in the towel, I want a divorce - This is too hard, I’m not taking care of him, let’s get rid of him
• Never mind, I don’t want a divorce, it’s too much work, but IF she wants one I won’t fight her on it - I won’t to get of the Cat, it’s too much work, but if she gets rid of him, I won’t fight her on it. 

I was hurt and angry and didn’t take the time to bite my tongue before I furthered the damage we already live in.

I’m such a screw up sometimes.  How on earth do you start over in a marriage when you’re the only one who wants to be in it?  I’m basically making a commitment to myself to hang in there- I’m the only one cheering us on. But because things are SO awekward for us, I’m crippled by confusion.  I’m clueless and afraid of further rejection.  So we live, we move on like strangers in the same house.  This is a very lonely battle.  And I’m tired.  

I realized after a long ride in the car that most of my fears have been attacked- since the moment I married my husband.  The fear of losing my dad.  The fear of not having emotional support from my husband during emotionally vulnerable times (pregnancy). The fear of not being loved. The fear of losing my mind.  The fear of loneliness.  All of my biggest fears regarding marriage have been met.  

Scary.  

How do I move on?  I think I have to have no fear. I think that some dark force had it’s eye on us the moment we became one.  As if we were some kind of target. The potential we both had as a couple was huge.  That potential literally got targeted by fear, and killed.  I’m not sure where we will be after we move on from the work we are currently doing.  I’m not sure if Hubster will ever desire me as a partner in his life instead of some rival.  But, I think I have to let go of the fears and be strong in God.  

For the past week, I’ve a hard time processing my thoughts.  I’ve been in a mental funk.  Listening and playing the video [just once] of the judge abusing his daughter has really put into perspective how much trauma I went through in my childhood. If I had to choose between methodical ‘discipline’ and erratic rage, I would prefer the former. 

Last night, we prepped for an impromptu night of poker to celebrate a birthday amongst our friends.  I had the opportunity to bring to light issues that have prevented us from connecting with certain friends.  It was a moment of major relief.  To feel like people were listening to me.  I couldn’t help the tears.  Some were of relief.  Some were of pain.  

To hear a husband admit the hormonal changes of a pregnant wife were difficult, but to witness his commitment to her, his love for her, was beautiful and also particularly hard for me.  It was also hard for me to hear a great friend express the love they have for me, only because I wish words like this were coming from my husband.

I am blessed by the people around me, I was appreciative of the support and touched by the kindness I haven’t experienced in a long time, but crushed by the hopeless state of my existing marriage.  But I’m working on me.  I’m working on my spiritual and physical well-being again.  I’m feeling free(er) from the grief of losing my father.  I’m hoping to God for a miracle.  It’s truly the only thing left that can save our marriage at this point.  

So I live and move on and try to work on the weaknesses I have.  Hoping that one day, someday, Hubster will see past the fallible human self, but love the good and the bad that make me who I am.  I’m hurt- But only I can make the steps forward that are needed to heal from from the pains of resentment and anger.  

I sit back and reflect on a busy but wonderfully filled week of reconnecting with old friends, and working towards financial independence.  I’m living each day with a little more hope.  Growing in skills to cope and preparing myself for the next process of the healing journey.  I’m looking forward to some great opportunities, hoping I get a chance to connect with and share these victories with Hubster as a future support system one day.  For now, it’s pretty much me cheering me, along with friends that get a chance to woot me on when they get a chance.  I could enjoy it being a little better between Mister and me. :)

Just cool.  I feel similarly.  Most of my friends were all boys growing up.  You can’t be an emotional mess, like all the other drama-filled females that wasted our time….. yet, how ironic, I’m married to a man that prefers me to be exactly that.  A crying machine, so, he can feel sorry for me [i guess]. It’s just not natural for me.  Tears are reserved for solitude. So I can feel I  get the chance to keep my dignity….

graceinplace:

it’s not impossible | ben sollee

it’s not impossible for me to cry
it’s just the hardest thing
i’ve ever done
and it’s a shame, you know
but it’s ingrained, you know
boys don’t cry
boys don’t cry

I’ve been looking forward to today for a while.  I met up with a dear friend- someone that lights up the world around me.  We sat and ate at a cute little vegan friendly diner by the beach.  I didn’t want to leave.  I missed the joy-filled moments we shared and was in so much peace to share a little bit of our journey together. 

I look forward to re-connecting with her further.  For the support and encouragement and laughter that will be sure to meet us when we get together.

I cannot express the gratitude I have for people like this dear friend- for the grace and acceptance and availability to be with me.  I haven’t smiled and laughed like this in a long time.  It simply feels wonderful. 

Going to “work” was a fresh of breath air.  The inspiration to live with complete passion and devotion was re-instilled in me today.  To love others around me and be a blessing where I’m at.  

Last night, after a weekend with our family, I decided to trim my hair on my own.  I didn’t EXACTLY know what I was doing, but I knew I wanted it to look more like a style and less like a uniform thickness.  I trimmed all the sides, the back, layered the top so when it is styled, my hair would be less thick and have a more natural reaction to products.  I loved it, except for the little batches of extra growth at the base of my head.  I nicely asked Hubster if he could help trim that area with the clippers.  I then admitted I had trimmed my head.  I was a little shy, but I was hoping he would look at it and be impressed…. instead, he barely even looked at it and in an almost scolding tone, asked why I would ever cut my own hair. He didn’t bother looking at or getting up to help me.  

I walked away feeling so rejected and hurt with the lack of support.  

I began working on it myself.  Everything went well, until my arm slipped from behind my neck, resulting in the clipper to grab an area of hair that was not meant to be touched.

I had a bald spot on the back of my head!

I was pissed.  And hurt.  And so hard on myself.  When Hubster found out I screwed up, he jolted out of the recliner to get a look for himself. I made him leave as the tears welled up.  He was apprehensive in helping but overly curious at my folly.  I just knew he was going to laugh, at my expense.  The more he pushed to see, the harder it was to keep the tears from flowing.  

Hubster never did see my bald spot.  I wore a scarf to cover it up.  I’ll be doing this for a little while. Thank goodness my hair grows fast.

I left for a morning meeting I had scheduled with some of my neighbors to further check out this miracle cream.  I have never been this enthused over a product. Until now.  :)  I’m looking forward to working with great people and great product that will also help gain more financial independence from the facility we are dependent on.

I’m still having a hard time refraining from reacting to Hubster. He knows to push my buttons, and I’m finding I’m constantly on “fight” mode.  Constantly trying to defend myself or my stance on something I believe in.  I have to learn to step back, and not care, for us to have a chance, for him to look at me with any type of affection.  

BAhahahaaahhaaa.  Mister Hubster emailed this to me….. can. not. stop. LAUGHING!